The Philippines 17th President
Month: June 2022
How to Recognize Toxic Friends to Keep Away From
by Isabelle Gray
#toxicfriends #narcissisticbehavior
I’ve been through two really toxic friendships in my life, here are what I have noticed as far as negative patterns and behaviors each time.
• The give and take was one-sided. In one of my toxic friendships, I was the one who always made the plans. I was the one who did things they liked to do but they never wanted to do the things I liked. If they asked me for a favor, I was happy to oblige if it was within my power. If I asked them for a favor, I was met with a no. Toxic relationships in general have this dynamic. You have the Giver, and you have the Taker. These roles don’t swap. In a healthy relationship, both parties need to take on both roles.
• Resentment build up. Because of this unhealthy dynamic, I began to resent my friend. My needs were being unmet by the relationship and I started to become angry with them because I was always the Giver and they were the Taker. However, where this is toxic is not in the anger itself, but how I handled it. Yes, how I handled it. Toxic relationships need at least two parties to continue the cycle. So what did I do with my anger? I let it fester. Rather than talk to my friend about how I needed to be the Taker sometimes, I stayed silent. I never put up boundaries or advocated for my needs. I said yes when I really wanted to say no. A healthy relationship needs honest and open communication. I failed to do this with my friend and this added to our toxic dynamic even more.
• Walking on eggshells. Some people tend to turn things you say against you; a toxic friend especially will do this. Say for example when I had a fight with my friend. They had said something that had unintentionally hurt my feelings and I told them so honestly and with as much tact as I could. That is to say, I didn’t play the blame game, putting my feelings on them. The gist of what I said was like this: “I’m very hurt you would say that about me because it feels very untrue to who I am as a person.” This turned into an arugement as my friend maintained that because they had not meant the words the way I had interpreted them, it didn’t matter. When I stated, point blank that what I needed to hear from them was that they were sorry, I received a response that went something like this. “Well I’m sorry everything is my fault even though I’m still not sure how.” Friendship requires a level of trust when it comes to conflicts. Both parties have to know that they can get upset with the other and trust that their feelings will be heard with compassion. In a toxic friendship, this does not exist. Everything you say will be turned against you in some way, like what happened above. Because this pattern exist, one or both parties will cease to talk about certain things, even if they need to be talked about because they don’t want to deal with another instance of a simple matter being turned into a large-scale fight.This feeds into the build up of resentment.
• The way they talk about other people. The way someone talks about other people to you is a huge tell for how they see the world. A toxic friend will, more often than not have something negative to say about someone else. Why is this important? Because this is how they view the world, in very bleak, angry and bitter terms. Don’t think you’re exempt from this outlook because you’re friends, trust me, you’re not. The moment something starts to get rough, that’s going to come out. Except this time they’re not bad mouthing the ex-lover, teacher, boss or ex-friend; they’re talking about you.
• There is always a crisis. Because toxic people don’t know how to be Givers, how to listen and frequently bad-mouth others, their lives are usually full of drama. This drama is of course, created largely in part by them, but they don’t see this. It’s always on someone else and because you are their friend at the time, you have to hear about it. For instance, there was a period when I was messaging a friend and as per the typical pattern of conversations, I asked how they had been since we last spoke. Guess what the answer was? Something bad had happened to them with a teacher. They were upset because said teacher had asked why they did not finish an assignment. They went on about this for several minutes and eventually had to log off and I realized afterwards that they had not asked me how I was. (Again, we see them being Takers.) When we spoke again a week later, I asked “how are you” and again, was met with a tirade of problems. This time it was about their lover and how they were frustrated with them, but admitted that all they had done to get their point across was to pick a fight. Again, I had to hear about it and again, this person did not ask me how I was, though some time had passed since we last spoke. This is common pattern in toxic people; there’s never anything good going on in their lives (but it’s never their fault) and eventually, it becomes a very emotionally draining thing. A term commonly applied is “energy vampire” and it’s accurate to use. A friendship is supposed to help you through hard times, but hardships happen all day, every day, 365 days a year it’s impossible to keep up with. No one has the emotional capacity to keep up with that level of distress on a constant basis. A healthy friendship requires that a person treat their friend with respect for their time and mental energy. To have a healthy friendship, you cannot treat someone as an emotional dumping ground.
• Jealousy. Jealousy is a normal emotion and that’s a fact. Getting that out of the way right now, we have all felt that green monster on our shoulders at one point. In a healthy relationship, you can admit these feelings honestly to yourself and that feeling does not stop you from being happy for your friend. In a toxic friendship however, this does not exist. For instance, when I received a lovely comment from a reader about my book, I took a screenshot and sent it to a close friend because I was so excited and happy that someone thought I was so talented and loved my work. They did say that it was “nice”, but quickly turned the topic away from the event. They might have said, “that’s nice” but the way they turned the conversation so fast made their lack of genuine enthusiasm and happiness apparent to me. In a toxic friendship everything is a competition and when you seem to pull ahead, a toxic friend will get surly about it. In a healthy friendship, your friends are truly happy when you achieve something, even if they wish they had done the same as well. Good friendships mean you’re happy for your friend, even if you feel a pang of envy. You don’t allow it to control you.
• They don’t care when you’re hurt. Okay, that might be the wrong way to say it. They do care, but because they are Takers, they don’t care about your pain nearly as much as theirs. This kicker here actually ended one of my toxic friendships. What happened? Well, their grandparents were getting cell phones and this upset my friend. They were concerned that they’d be expected to constantly text and call their grandparents. A petty teenage worry yes, but why was this what ended our relationship? Because they said this to me while my grandfather was dying in a nursing home. Yes, they knew this hurt me, but my hurt was less when compared to theirs. Relationships in general are all about selflessness. You have to care about the other party just as much as you care about yourself. A toxic friend doesn’t and therefore, even if their friend is truly suffering, it’s not going to matter to them the way it should. They can’t put someone else above them, they’re too wrapped up in their own world.
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